It amuses me now that one of the last things I did in college was to write a paper on the ridiculousness of the notion of God. How could rational beings believe that there is God? Look at this world! There seem better men than this god we create and feed our miseries. But here I am writing my thesis on God as the true definition of love, from the vantage point that we did not create God, (S)he created us. Weird, yes? Well, what is the point of reason if one cannot use it to see what is everywhere? It is rather obvious that what we call evil is minuscule in comparison to that which we declare to be good. We know evil only because we are often encircled in good. For many of us, there are more days of beauty than ugliness. But the purpose here is not to write about God.
See, the thing is, this thesis feels real. Like a sort of a message. There are so many thoughts/fears that I have struggled with over the years, thoughts and fears I only wanted to interpret in a single way: the rational way. But I am facing a couple of them through Julian of Norwich, the woman is awesome! . . . and so is my advisor. And I know it is time to stop fighting, to allow myself to see and accept what is. It interests me that she got these revelations when she was thirty and I am getting them, through her, as I approach my thirtieth year. I know my thesis is changing me: I can see its influences on my thinking.
On the writing side I am gaining some discipline which I hope I can transfer to my creative writing. I have been writing almost daily. Although some days I try and try and nothing happens, there are days when I write like. . . oh someone woke up lucky today, ha! Then I go back to re-read what I thought was brilliant only to find that it is absolute rubbish. Man! The joy of suffering. All the same, I am almost done now. Just need to revise like a million times.
One of the most beautiful part of the process of writing my thesis is my relationship with the commitment. I wake up at odd hours to write, even though it was not the plan. I am always asking, how is it going? I give myself deadlines and celebrate when I make them. There have been days when I just did not want to write but I would say to myself: just this one sentence, and one more sentence, and just one more, I promise! Then when I cannot not go on anymore I would make the declaration: No more! Liar!
The funny thing is I cannot seem to write in just one place. I write at my desk, on the floor, on my bed, and other places but never outside the house. I keep feeling the need to change where I settle to write, inside. Another thing of interest is when I realized the paper’s deadline was not so far away, I panicked and started over! Imagine that. I too asked, what is wrong with me? But it turned out my intuition is alright. It turned out I did not know what was going on in my original version. But, of course, I was going crazy the whole time. I was weighed down by stressful thoughts like what if I do not get the paper together in time? What if I do not graduate? Then gradually I came to the realization that these fears are not important. What is important is that I give the moment the best I can. I will go where things go and make decisions based on those circumstances when the time comes. Like Julian says, “all shall be well.” That is one phrase that has always proved itself true in my life. No matter what happens, things always end beautifully well.
One more thing: the other time I caught myself feeling very tired and sleep deprived because I had been writing all day and it sort of dawned on me that soon I will forget all of these things that I am feeling in relation to my thesis. Although the feelings I have may appear in my life in relation to other things which I cannot now fantom, the immediate ones I have in regards to writing this thesis would soon pass. Just like many significant moments in my life have. Soon it shall all be a reference points: something that I might remember when I find a copy of A Revelation of Love tucked somewhere, smell strongly brewed earl gray, or. . . I will remember this beautiful time: the luxury of writing a freaking thesis on a life altering subject. Let’s just say I have been feeling pretty lucky these past few months.
One last thing: a little while back I woke up around dawn and thought that I smelled smoke. For a few seconds I lay there thinking I cannot die yet, I have got to finish my thesis! How absurd is that?!
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J. A. Odartey
