It is nice, isn’t it? When people like us. Especially when it is those we admire.  Once I tweeted something about Gary Shteyngart and he liked it and I went crazy because I am a fan of his writing. For a day or two I looked like I had swallowed the sun. It’s very nice, that feeling of being approved of. Yet I have never wanted the approval of the majority as it requires commitment that is difficult to maintain for the  multitude. Attempts to have several successful relationships can only leave one feeling drained. It takes a lot of energy to please people.

As I become more accepting of myself, I am happier with fewer people to indulge and be accepted by. This makes the choosing of friends even more important. I am happier when people I respect reciprocate my affections, at the same time it is completely fine if they do not return my feelings. There is something  nice about being able to like someone who does not return your sentiments. This feeling could feel epic if you have a tendency for the dramatic. So epic that on days that your ego is drunk, you feel god-like and if you are like me, you will just have to have several cups of milkshakes to celebrate your coolness until anxiety about calories lower you back to earth. I have learned that there is freedom in not being liked. For instance, freedom from tedious rituals. Not being liked brings us more time to do more of what we enjoy, like lots of knitting if you care for it.

Certain people will dislike us for our best traits and some will like us because they can relate to our worst habits. According to Dale Carnegie, we can make people like us if we make them feel important. And that is all wonderful but think of all the energy that requires. It takes a lot of self-awareness, observation and sensitivity to achieve this. Besides, a successful pleaser is akin to an amiable robot, no?  Always saying the right things, not complaining about anything, never saying unkind things, always smiling. . . ahh when do you get to vent a little? Be angry a little or really angry about something? Be human?

Of course, we ought to care about the opinions of others. We need to be sensible enough to understand the effect our actions have on our communities. For instance, by knowing it is the norm to have a dog or cat for a pet we are aware that we would be going against normalcy if we should ever find the courage to get the bearded goat we have been wanting, forever, as pet. Should we dare to get this goat pet, we would have a good idea what it would look like to our neighbors and even to our  parents who have always wondered if we added up properly.

Perhaps one day the epiphany that your life is a beautiful gift and it deserves to be spent in ways that generate excitement and gratitude tickled you. “Your life is your message” as Ghandi puts it. What message should it be then? Do you want to be the sort of person who goes about pleasing every Tom, Dick, and Harry while you wither away in despair? Or do you want to learn to find the guts to discover and accept yourself? Yes some people will pretend not to see you when they run into you because they wouldn’t want to be associated with your oddity. But good for you! Why would you want to talk to someone who cannot even see a little humor in having a goat for a pet or the courage it takes to do something so uncommon. That goat will save you from unpleasant narrow-minded people.

Here is the thing, would you rather be miserable within while the world thinks you are a party or would you rather be thought a nincompoop though you are having a grand time dancing to your own tune? Of course, it is probably possible to have a bit of both worlds. And that’s fine.

It takes guts to be consciously crazy. This is when you’re aware that the path you’ve chosen is not a popular one, in other words, you’ve elected to travel a lonely road. But you choose it anyway because it is the only option that feels good, albeit scary. So how do you do it then? How do you find the strength to claim your uniqueness? To suffer not being loved by everyone; to find strength to listen to the opinions of others and decide it is not for you? To become a disappointment to many, including your dear parents? How do you go about buying your goat pet and taking it out for a walk while everyone else have a dog on a leash? How do you dare to even bring a comb to keep your awesome bearded goat well groomed at all times? I mean a goat ought to look its best, no?

Little steps, mate, little steps. We can take it a day at a time to become “atypical” as my best friend puts it. But it starts with sincerity. Letting yourself in on who you are: accepting that the whole world cannot love you and you do not need it to. Then you can focus on choosing your own friends rather than accepting every Tom, Dick and Harry who picks you. You will have to give yourself the permission to start dreaming about picking your perfect pet and whether its beard would look better with ribbons in it rather than what your neighbors would think. You will have to start talking about what interests you and how. Being open about who you are will lead you to others who share a common perspective and lo and behold it will someday become as normal for people to have pet goats as it is to have cats and dogs. Or maybe not. I suppose the most important question to ask is who are you?

Flexibility means not letting yourself be boxed in by how others perceive you; not giving into the fear of being responsible for following your intuition.  It rewards you the ability to know what it feels like to do what you enjoy. We already know how it feels like to do what others expect of us. We do it often enough, and there will be many instances in life when it will be our duty to do what is expected and we will probably perform, well. But this is not true for every second of our lives.

The opinions of our community matter and considering them saves us from becoming psychopaths or simply strengthen our humanity. Caring what others think of us is fundamental to a healthy relationship with them. But we ought to also mind our values and be willing to put our perspective before others.  Our lives are our gift and one day there will no longer be any breathing time. I was talking to my grandmother——who has become very bold of late, and says everything that comes to her mind without any concern  of giving offense and without apologizing when she does. My mother is horrified.——and she told me of some of her regrets: things she can no longer do because of old age. My heart went out to her. It was a good reminder that I can spend my life floating in the stream of others judgement or I can take measures to learn of myself and discover that which makes me excited about life and grateful for every minute of it. I am convinced that once we start learning how to trust our own instincts we are better able to tune down the unhelpful opinions of others. It makes it easier to worry less about what people think and we become more like my grandmother, we know that time is precious and it will all end in a second.

Cheers!
Jane