In time something that was once very uncomfortable becomes easier and even fun. When I started the project of shooting myself for my personal style section, I was quite uncomfortable. It showed in some of my pictures. Even more awkward was when I took the shooting outdoors.  It is one thing mounting a camera atop tripod and running back and forth to press the shutter button and pose frame after frame indoors; outdoors it feels like making a fool of yourself, unnecessarily. Inviting the judgement and criticizing eyes of everyone.

I have found myself, often, questioning: is this personal style thing really important? Is this helping anyone? Is there really anyone out there who gives a farting cow what my personal style is? No, not really. The world will go on without my personal style photos. But it is my belief that there are people out there like me, who love fashion and styling it in their own unique ways. Maybe someone out there appreciates this (in fact, someone shared with me just yesterday that they did. I grinned happily). Maybe this will inspire someone  with an even more creative style to share or own it. Or allow themselves to be ridiculous, in spite of their “better” judgement.  It makes me really proud that I can go out there, feeling as exposed as I do, and still do my little run and pose stunt.  That I am doing something so outside my comfort zone feels incredible. In time I have ceased to worry so much about what I fantom people’s thoughts are when they find me in action. Or how others might even judge what I share here. It is beginning to feel like the judgements I had feared were my own insecurities.

All the same, it has been too cold these past few days and I have had no desire to go out and shoot in the freezing temperatures.   These pictures, in which I am wearing my fun trousers, an old favorite hat which is a hand-me-down from my brother, and a pretty seed necklace my friend got for me when she was visiting Egypt, were shot by that same dear friend, India, at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Posing for these photos were extremely uncomfortable. I was the one who asked for them, but I felt superficial. Very very vain.  Perhaps it is because I am more comfortable taking pictures of other people; or perhaps it is because I know what I am asking for: a frozen moment in which I choose exactly what my facial expressions would say and because I am happy and confident in what I am wearing and proud of my surroundings. There is also something daring about demanding to be shot with art in the background. It is as if I am claiming my own significance: shoot me instead of the artwork! Also  in my decision to be framed, I am making a decision for the others who happened to be around me who may not care to be in my picture; and hence we get frozen together, but I am the only one ready.  These photos are even more interesting to me because unlike me, my friend is not a photographer.

Happy Chinese New Year!

It is the year of the goat, one of my favorite animals——bearded goats especially. I find them quite silly and for the same reason, endearing.

–

Jane