In the third letter, (You may find my commentary on the second letter here, and see here for the introduction to the series.) Screwtape, the senior devil gives Wormwood, the junior devil, some four advices on creating an ever widening cleavage between his patient and his mother by heightening each’s awareness of the other’s inadequacies while at the same time blinding each to their own shortcomings. Thus the theme of the third letter is domestic discord or specifically, the reasons why your mother is sooooo infuriating. 

Lewis’ work brought to mind some lines from my favorite canto, the 17th of Dante’s Purgatorio:

Hence you can comprehend that love must be
the seed in you of every virtue and of every action
that deserves punishment.

Now because love can never turn its face away
from the well-being of its subject, all things are
safe from self-hatred. 103-108

Since one cannot escape one’s self, facing one’s defects is difficult. But finding fault with others can be satisfying as it can make us appear superior in our own eyes. Searching and focusing on the flaws of others are ways of redeeming oneself. It is a way of saying, “I don’t do such terrible things and therefore I’m better, yay!” Or, “If others could be as good as me this world would be a much MUCH better place.” Thus finding fault with others is a sort of self-conceit, also a method of self-escape. I think it is to this attitude that Lewis references in Screwtape’s first advice to Wormwood:  

Aggravate that most useful human characteristic, the horror and neglect of the obvious. You must bring him to a condition in which he can practice self-examination for an hour without discovering any of those facts about himself which are perfectly clear to anyone who has ever lived in the same house with him or worked in the same office. 11-12

It is my opinion that one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves and others is to be better acquainted with our own bothersome habits and spend our days finding ways to save from our demons those who are at our mercy either because they love us or because they cannot abandon us for one reason or the other. Besides, fighting one’s own devils is much more rewarding than servicing and hurling them at others, no?

Relearning to share space with my good Mother after some years of living blissfully alone has been hard, yo! My devils, having been deprived for so long from targeting my parent at a close range are now on steroid. My mind is catapulted every other second by dear Mother’s many-many faults. Thus re-reading Srewtape’s fourth advice to Wormwood, I could only exclaim with a sigh of understanding:

In civilized life domestic hatred usually expresses itself by saying things which would appear quite harmless on paper (the words are not offensive) but in such a voice, or at such a moment, that they are not far short of a blow in the face. To keep this game up you and Glubose (the mother’s devil) must see to it that each of these two fools has a sort of double standard. Your patient must demand that all his own utterances are to be taken at their face value and judged simply on the actual words, while at the same time judging all his mother’s utterances with the fullest and most over-sensitive interpretation of the tone and the context and the suspected intention. She must be encouraged to do the same to him. Hence from every quarrel they can both go away convinced, or very nearly convinced, that they are quite innocent. 13-4 

Ah, the joys of passive-aggression. This domestic hatred seems to me a sort of ingratitude, no? Forgetfulness of the positive aspects of a parent, partner, friend or even neighbor and rather an obsession with their imperfections—which in some ways are not even flaws, just one’s own pet-peeves. I mean why wouldn’t my thoughts be engrossed with the courage of my immigrant Mother, her awesome kindness to which I owe so much of my peace of mind and ability to spend my days the way I want rather than scurrying after wages to afford my basic necessities?  

Lewis is more detailed in the third advice:

“When two humans have lived together for many years it usually happens that each has tones of voice and expressions of face which are almost unendurably irritating to the other. Work on that. Bring fully into the consciousness of your patient that particular lift of his mother’s eyebrows which he learned to dislike in the nursery, and let him think how much he dislikes it. Let him assume that she knows how annoying it is and does it to annoy—if you know your job he will not notice the immense improbability of the assumption. And, of course, never let him suspect that he has tones and looks which similarly annoy her. 13 

That you have never seen your own face and back without the aid of a mirror is incredible, no? That I probably have very obvious flaws that others who encounter me or spend some quality time in my company immediately become aware of yet I am still in the dark about is incredible, no? That what’s closest to us is the most unknown is really fascinating, no? 

For many years I walked about with a deep frown on my face, daily, and the only person who didn’t know that I frowned so furiously was I. Yet, I was also the only one who knew that behind the frown which suggested that I might have been upset or angry, I was actually having a good time in my own head. I wonder how many people I pissed off with that frown. I wonder how many people thought that this expression that I was unaware of was intentionally directed at them? 

– – –
J. A. Odartey

+ Alighieri, Dante. Purgatorio. Trans. Robert M. Durling. New York: Oxford University Press, 2004. 281. Print.

+ Lewis, C. S. The Screwtape Letters: Letters from a Senior to a Junior Devil. London: William Collins, 2016. Print.